Boston Divorce Attorneys

Emotions of Divorce

• Divorce Therapists Help During Divorce
• How Men and Women Fear Divorce Differently
• Controlling Divorce Anger
• Shying Away From the “Custody” Word

Divorce Therapists

The day you realize you’re being left, or that you need to leave, is filled with mixed emotions that often begin the long-term relationship with a counselor or therapist.

A therapist can help you to manage the emotional impact of separating from your spouse.  For example, it is common to experience severe grief that occurs as a result of this loss.  This can include prolonged shock, anger or depression.  Often, this then effects sleep, mood, appetite, decision-making, concentrating, socializing and even interaction with children.

Many people shy away from using a therapist, citing reassurance from friends and family members as enough.  This reassurance or legal advice from a lawyer may help, but a counselor is trained to address emotional ups and downs!

Learn more about therapy and how it helps get you through divorce and Contact our Boston Divorce Attorneys if you don’t know where to begin finding the right therapist…the divorce lawyers have qualified counselors and can make the proper recommendations.

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How Men and Women Fear Divorce Differently

There are differences in the fear levels of men and women in divorce.  Women are more inclined to fear economic issues.  Men rarely voice those issues in therapy – at least not the issue of whether he will have enough money to cover expenses.  In working with men, the therapists we work with report that men express a high level of concern about “their” money – pensions and just how much they will have to shell out for alimony.  Data has consistently shown that men usually fare better financially after divorce.  The work done in divorce therapy shows that both women and men can have fulfilled lives if they feel strong enough about themselves and are involved in their work and other outside activities.

For women, three fears surface repeatedly in divorces and the break-up of a long-term relationship.  First, many fear being broke; even a bag lady.  Second, some fear they will never find anyone else.  They’re not so worried about being along, but of not finding the “right” person.  Finally, she may fear the “shame” of being unmarried.  For the woman who has been married for a long time, it often takes time, lots of it, to get past the cultural message that it isn’t right to be unmarried.  When the relationship finally breaks up, she may feel that her whole world has collapsed.

In the psychological sense, depending upon the woman, her life experiences and upbringing often will direct how she responds and feels.  There may be very little self-esteem because of the way women in general have been socialized for centuries as the caretaker, as the homemaker.  When that primary identity is taken away, everything becomes mush.  The woman literally has to start over again.  As independent as many women are today, undercurrents of the past are still present. 

Here’s the good news for most women:  Once in the process, most women find that they are strong – very strong.  Women are more inclined to willingly enter into therapy, moving the emotional process along.

Men are different.  It is quite common for men to jump into another relationship, even before the divorce is over.  Men often remarry soon after the divorce papers are signed.  Why?  They fear being alone.  In couplehood, the majority of women take care of the household necessities – cooking, cleaning, and the like – and serve as family nurturers.  When the couple breaks up, often the man looks for someone else to serve these functions.

On the surface, the monetary issue is usually okay for men; the undercurrent of emotions isn’t.  Getting therapy is not high on their list.  Men usually don’t gain their identities from who they are within the marriage.  In the book The Dollars and Sense of Divorce, the authors report that if there are kids, a man’s primary fear is that he will be prevented from seeing his kids.  One of the biggest reasons men come to our firm is to establish their father’s rights.

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Controlling Divorce Anger

Dealing with your anger about the divorce can be one of the hardest things to cope with.  Feeling rage at an ex-spouse is very natural but can also be very destructive.  First, realize that the anger you are feeling may last for a while.  Second, try one of the following methods to deal with your anger:

Write a Letter:  One of the feelings involved in anger is the desire to tell your ex-spouse what a thoroughly lousy human being he or she is.  Instead of expressing that vocally to your spouse and provoking an argument, why not put it in writing?  Sit down with pen and paper, your computer or laptop and let it all come out.  The result could be pages of feelings, but putting them down on paper may help get them out of your head – at least for a while.  Whatever you do, do not send that letter to your ex-spouse.  This document is for you alone.

Shout it Out:  If you can roll up the windows in your car or put your head in a pillow and scream, it can drain some of that negative energy out of your body.

Look Inside Your Marriage:  Review your marriage and see if you can gain insight into what happened.  Remember what attracted you to your spouse in the first place.  Ask yourself what you got out of the marriage.  How did it make you feel?
When you gain insight into what happened to the marriage, it will help dissipate the anger you feel and make it easier for you to establish healthy relationships in the future.

Accept Responsibility:  No marriage dissolves on its own.  Even if an affair is the triggering mechanism for the divorce, both parties played some part in the failure of the marriage.  What part did your spouse play?  What part did you play?  You can get past anger by examining your part in the break up of your marriage.  Forgive yourself and your partner and move on.

Learn What Pushes Your Buttons:  Try to understand your anger -- and what triggers it -- before you express it. Don't be afraid to say that you need some time to think about your response.

If it isn’t your anger that is the issue, but it is the anger of your spouse, there are still some things you can do:

1.  Try to feel a little compassion, no matter how hard that may be. Now that the relationship’s over, the other person is probably feeling fearful and threatened that they’ll never love again or they’ll never see their kids.  Try to hear what is underneath the anger. Quite often, it’s fear, pain, or shame.  Showing empathy or compassion for your ex can go a long way to defusing his or her anger.

2.  Be honest with yourself. Recognize that when someone is angry with you, there may be something in what they’re saying. Very often, you might hear something that’s really valuable.  If your ex- is yelling at you, you can choose to think they’re a jerk and start yelling back, or you can “dig for the gold” in what they’re saying.  Keep the gold; disgard the dirt and rocks!

3.  Get some assertiveness training to boost your self-esteem.  Anger is like a fire that must be burned up into the ashes of forgiveness.  If we are passive, it is like throwing gas and more logs on to the fire.

4.  Especially if you have children, value your safety.  If your former spouse’s divorce anger seems to be headed in a dangerous direction, put some boundries in place.  Remove yourself from the situation and refuse any face-to-face contact.  Rethink the security of your home and other ways that you had to deal with that first week.

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Shying Away From the “Custody” Word

The quickest way to start an argument between separated parents is to talk to them about custody.  The mere mention of the word conjures up images of one parent willing the kids and the other parent losing.  Interestingly enough, it is for that reason alone that the Massachusetts Courts now prefer using the term “parenting plan” instead.  Here, the court assumes that in most cases creating a plan which encourages participation from both parents is in the best interest of the minor children.

Traditional thinking has it that custody must be specified, particularly when parents are in conflict and cannot resolve parenting decisions reasonably.  This thinking only intensifies an already tense situation.  It bears mentioning that in the throws and newness of a separation, parents are at odds with each other and in the midst of the fear of losing their kids, they are apt to be in conflict.  This however, does not necessarily mean they do not hold the same values or interests with regard to the care and development of their children.  It also doesn’t mean that they would not exercise reasonable judgment with regard to their children’s needs.  Taking out the couple issues from the parent issues, there just may be reasonable ground to let both parents carry on with meaningful roles.

There is a way out of the maze for some parents in conflict to resolve parenting issues without the all-or-none consequences of awarding custody to one.  In some situations, they can both continue to feel equal in terms of being a parent, fully able to maintain their relationship and assert a meaningful role with their children.  The process entails stepping away from the “C” word in favor of developing a parenting plan, discerning the scope of authority on specific issues, and specifying a means of dispute resolution.

Parents can be helped to determine their mutual interests and areas of agreement.  Authority can be vested in one parent or the other for specific issues.  Through the vesting of authority, each parent is assigned a span of control for the specific issue.  Where parents cannot reach consensus, they can then agree on less expensive processes of dispute resolution such as working through a Parenting Coordinator.  While parents might fear they will always be running back to the Coordinator, this is rarely the case, particularly if there is a rule that the one who calls for their service pays…this cuts down on frivolous actions.

Essentially what needs to be determined is a set of rules for the management and care of the children.  To the degree this is achieved and in particular, out of court, the parents retain overall control of their lives.  They remain free from the loss of control that count-imposed solutions may bring.  Their conflict is in part reduced knowing both can have an ongoing and active role in parenting decisions even if some decisions are circumscribed.

As parents retain a meaningful role by agreeing to abide by their mutually established rules, responsibilities and span of authority, they can then ease into their separation with a growing sense of security that their attachments to the children will remain in tact.

In the end, this is what both parents need post-separation.  It is not just a say in the school they attend, but that each parent feels important and active in their children’s lives.  This is in the child’s best interest.  Even if one parent complains that the other never shoed an interest before, as a Norfolk Probate and Family Court Family Service Officer said, “That was then, this is now…let the newly-devoted parent make good and move forward!”  An active and interested parent is good for any child whenever it comes.  Step away from the “C” word and seen a Parenting Plan.  In the end, your children will thank you.