Divorce Secrets

• Divorce Secrets for Men
  
• Divorce Secrets for Women

Divorce Secrets for Men

Attorney Lucas M. tells men, “If you’re feeling powerless when it comes to your divorce, the secret is in taking control.”  The Law Offices of Lucas M. empower men to defend their rights in the bold and innovative ways most lawyers won’t tell them. 

The key to everything in your divorce is knowledge of the facts: finance, assets, liabilities, needs of your wife, concerns of the children and what the legal process entails.  The importance to your wife of each element is essential if you want to minimize the trauma of the divorce process.  Being a good listener is a vital quality to obtain the knowledge you need.  You must also make a concerted effort to get informed.  Organize your legal (wills, deed, etc.), tax (old returns, audit notes, etc.) and financial (retirement statements, investment materials, etc.) data.  Understand what you have.  Read, listen, ask and collect information of the documents you’ll likely need.

It’s not likely that your wife will use all of the unscrupulous strategies, but divorce books for women tell wives what they can do to get ahead:

• Use the children as hostages against your husband.
• Falsely accuse him of sexual or physical abuse. Just lie in court.
• Lie and get restraining order barring him from his house.
• Lie and get restraining orders hijacking all his bank accounts.
• Run up all his credit cards to the limit.
• Wait till he falls asleep. Rifle through his pockets.
• Does he fall asleep after sex? Have fun – then rifle through his pockets!
• If your husband pays your credit card bills, charge then return for cash refunds.
• The first one who gets to the bank is the one to empty the joint accounts.
• Criticize him daily.  Accuse him of having affairs (falsely).  Nag, nag, nag.
• Control your husband by being alternately loving and cold to confuse him.

The best thing that you can do is use the tactics men can use to win a larger share of the divorce pie, including how to challenge custody disputes and avoid the pitfalls of alimony and spousal support clauses.

When it looks like a divorce action may be approaching your marriage, taking a proactive approach can significantly reduce the overall costs – both financially and emotionally.  What follows is a practical guide to get you started:

1.  Outline the family financial situation: make a list of what you own, a list of what you owe, what the family income is (and where it comes from) and the family’s monthly bills and living expenses. Specify who is the named owner or owners on each asset and for each debt (home, cars, credit cards, etc.).

2.  Make copies of statements for all accounts your family has, such as bank account, stocks or other investments, pension funds, life insurance and so forth, as well as for income tax returns and any other family financial records.

3.  Do an inventory and list all the personal property or assets which belong to you and/or which you would wish to keep if a division of family property occurs.

4.  For now, keep it friendly.  If you can keep relations amicable through the first stage, everyone will win at least a little. Vindictiveness is a poison that will hurt everyone, especially children.

5.  Consult an attorney.  Becoming informed about your legal rights and responsibilities – along with an overview of how the process works – is the most crucial step in the divorce process.  Any experience divorce attorney should be able to counsel you on the law as it applies to the facts of your situation.  You should also get an initial idea on the best way for you to proceed – or not proceed.

Example:  You and your spouse are not getting along.  Arguments are getting worse.  Your spouse refuses to move out.  Consequently, you decide to take the children to live with your sister until the divorce process begins, and then move back into the marital home.  While technically you have a right to do this, there could be some ramifications to consider.  This is just one of the things a family law attorney should be able to discuss with you during an initial consultation.

6.  Copy even more documents than what was suggested above.  Go through the household papers and make copies of everything you can find!  With our clients, our initial request includes the following:

• Tax returns for the past five years
• Bank statements
• Check registers
• Investment statements
• Retirement account statements
• Employee benefits handbooks
• Life insurance policies
• Mortgage documents
• Financial statements
• Credit card statements
• Wills
• Social Security statements, etc.

A little planning goes a long way early because it is much more difficult to obtain these documents after one of the parties move out and the discovery procedure begins.

Also:  If your spouse is self-employed, learn is much as you can about the business.  Check the home computer for financial information, print out or copy all the files, then bring copies of all the financial data to your attorney – or a friend – as those files may later disappear or be destroyed!

7.  Assess your earning potential.  Even if you have been out of the workplace for awhile, the court will want to determine your current employability and whether continued education would make sense.  If you – or your spouse – travel for business, will that be as feasible after the divorce?  What about childcare needs?  All of these issues will be relevant as it pertains to your post-divorce income potential.

8.  Examine your credit report.  Even if you do not have credit in your own name, you need to establish a credit history.  Tip:  Expect your credit report to be included on an initial discovery request.  In Massachusetts, Rule 26(b) 1 allows any document that is “reasonably calculated to lead to admissible evidence.”

9.  Start building a financial reserve now!  You need to have access to money of your own.  If you ultimately move out of the house, you’ll need upfront monies for deposits, if your spouse leaves the home and stops paying the bills you’ll need to step-up and cover them, and once you retain legal counsel you’ll likely need a $5,000+ retainer to secure representation. 

10.  Put the childrens’ needs first.  If divorce is imminent, you’ll be spending time interviewing attorneys, gathering documents, researching online, etc.  With so much time being focused on this area, you can’t forget about the needs of your children.  You will soon learn how children are those who often suffer most during a divorce.  The best way that you know how, keep their routines as normal as possible.  Begin thinking about the possibilities of child therapists, support groups, etc.

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Divorce Secrets for Women

Attorney Lucas M. often shares with prospective clients the story of when a woman in her mid-40’s came into his Norwood office in a panic.  A month earlier, her husband and she had agreed to separate.  He convinced her that they didn’t need to hire lawyers because, so long as they both agreed to be civil with each other, there would be no need to both be willingly giving their money to lawyers instead of themselves and the children. 

Soon thereafter, her husband found a place of his own and, up to that point, he had acted like her best friend and she was hoping to have the best ex-husband in the world. 

Then it happened.  The creditors started calling the house for money.  She explained to them that she is having a hardship and she requested that they work with her.  They were sympathetic but they needed to be paid.  Bottom line:  they want their money.  It got worse:  her credit card had been shut off.  All but $182 was left in her checking account and she hadn’t been able to get in touch with her husband for three days.

If you don’t control the matters of your divorce, you will end-up being controlled by the divorce itself.  That’s why you need to concentrate on your divorce strategy and prepare well before the start of any legal proceedings.  Once the ball is in motion, it will be too late to really properly protect yourself. 

The pre-divorce planning stage might seem like a lot of time but usually people think about divorcing for years before they ask for divorce.  Why not use that time to your advantage?

First of all, realize that you will probably end up responsible for yourself (and your children) when you divorce.  Some women receive alimony & spousal support, but these days the numbers are less and less.  In fact, at a recent Family Law conference several of the judges referred to alimony as “almost an extinct remedy.”  Some estimate that fewer than 15% of divorced women are awarded alimony.  Because you will be on your own, there are some very detailed steps you must take to secure your financial future:

1.  Establish the “status quo” and paint this picture to the judge.  The judge will usually enforce status quo during and after the divorce so start the process now that you will want to continue when the divorce is over.  Showing your lifestyle now with all these “extras” will almost guarantee it continues later.

2.  Get credit in your own name.  Be sure your name is included on all your household accounts and investments.  Open checking and/or savings accounts and make sure you have at least one credit card.  Remember, your husband can cancel all of the joint credit cards so this card could be a life saver when you’re going through a divorce and need access to money.

3.  Check out the timing of your divorce.  Sometimes rushing blindly towards divorce can cost you.  This is a perfect reason why divorce should be planned and carefully thought out.  You may find there are benefits to waiting.  For example, if you are married at least ten years and you don’t remarry, you can receive Social Security benefits based on the ex-husband’s earning when you reach 62.  On the other hand, waiting in certain cases can be costly.  For example, if you are on the verge of a great career move – perhaps you are about to graduate from law school and you know you’ll be receiving a great salary – try to plan to get the divorce BEFORE you get your license. 

4.  Check out the details of your husband’s pension.  When Lucas M. speaks with women who have never worked outside the home and who are in the midst of the divorce process most typically feel no sense of entitlement to their husband’s retirement assets.  If this is where your mind is, you need to understand that your working in the home enabled your husband to work outside the home to earn for retirement.  You had a big part in that and therefore deserve to reap the rewards of your efforts.

5.  Take half the money in any joint accounts.  This is to be done just before you are ready to let your spouse know you want a divorce, or immediately after he has made his intention clear to you that he is leaving.  Put the money away where your spouse will not get it.

6.  If you happen to find a box of cash (or other valuables) stashed away somewhere, take a picture of what you found.  These assets are likely considered marital property and can be used for groceries or the mortgage payment during the beginning stages of divorce.

7.  Call your credit bureau and request a copy of your credit report.  Here, check your name, social security number and status of your credit.  You want to make sure your file is correct.  Moreover, as the attorneys often request a credit report for your spouse (it shows who he’s applied for credit from and we can subpoena any applications which contain statements made by your spouse) and opposing counsel will likely request yours as well.

Beyond finances, there are other things you can do to stack the deck in your favor:

• Figure out whom you can trust before you go talking to friends and soon-to-be former relatives. You are guaranteed to learn who your friends are when you go through a divorce. You may find out at the start, or you may learn along the way. The problem is that sometimes you don’t find out until you’re deep into the process, and by then you may have confided in exactly the wrong person.

• Do make a police report if there is abuse – and do follow through.  Contact us about issues relating to restraining orders in order to protect yourself and your children.  Most important, don’t make excuses for your spouse. Don’t say it will never happen again or that it never happened before – it shouldn’t have happened once.  Don’t believe that it will only be worse if you report the incident. Make a police report and follow through with whatever needs to be done.  In Massachusetts, your spouse can’t be ordered out of the house without a hearing unless there is physical abuse or the judge allows our Motion to Vacate.

• Don’t involve the children in conversations, arguments or decisions about them. Do not discuss the particulars of the divorce with your children, and do not use them as mediators or go-betweens.  Your divorce is between you and your spouse. Do not put your children in the middle of it. Your children should not see or hear, much less participate, in any arguments.

• Don’t become abusive to yourself.  Don’t convince yourself that alcohol, drugs, overeating or not eating at all are going to help.  They won’t.  The best thing that you can do is contact us to help you get started with the initial stages of divorce.

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