Boston Divorce Attorneys

The Best Interest of the Child

• Custody Investigations and Guardian Ad Litems
• Explaining Divorce to Children
• Helping Children Handle Divorce & School
• Dealing With an Angry Child

Custody Investigations and Guardian Ad Litems

In any divorce proceeding, a judge may appoint a guardian ad litem to assess what your child needs now.  This is an attorney who represents the interests of the child, assesses what custody arrangement would be best for them, and either reports or reports and makes recommendations regarding the best interest of the children to the judge.  The circumstances in which a judge would appoint a GAL varies – from allegations of abuse or neglect or for an independent assessment of the situation of the parties are highly polarized and hold widely divergent views on custody issues. 

Upon the appointment of the guardian ad litem, the court will typically order one or both of the parties to pay a deposit for the fees – usually based on each parent’s ability to pay.

The GAL serves as the eyes and ears of the judge with regard to custody matters.  They have the court-ordered power to present and ask questions at depositions, interview witnesses, draw conclusions and place these conclusions to the judge.  Furthermore, the evaluator may review all appropriate papers, including documents related to work or financial maters, medical records, and school reports.  In some cases, the evaluator may even give psychological tests to the parents and interpret the results.

Once the evaluator gathers their information, they write the report.  Depending on the purpose of the report, it may be limited to the child, one parent, or all the family members.  While based on the evaluator’s own opinions, the report will be supplied to the attorneys and routinely adopted by the court.

The recommendations in the report will fall in several categories, including but not limited to:

• Custody and visitation recommendations

• Parenting plan suggestions outlining the time-share between the parents and how parents should deal with future conflict resolution

• Therapy recommendations for either the parents and/or the children

• Parenting classes when they are needed to help parents in high conflict families understand their child’s needs

• Recommendations for follow-up evaluations as young children get older and evolve through the ages and stages.

Since you have only a short time to make an impression on the GAL, the long-term ramifications can be devastating if you don’t make a favorable impression.  Here are some suggestions for creating the best possible outcome when going through an evaluation:

1. Make steady eye contact and listen carefully to whatever is being said during the child-related discussions
2. If you disagree, don’t argue.  Instead, state your opinion as, “I understand what you’re saying, but…”  “You make a good point, however…”
3. When discussing your situation, don’t assume that the GAL – or the judge – understands your background, parental fitness, culture, children’s situation or whatever may truly be in your children’s best interests.  Bridge the gap, supplement your answers with “best interest of the child” statements, and other relevant documents or evidence to support your cause.  In short, help the judge rule in your favor.

Being a Guardian Ad Litem in a custody matter means walking into an active dispute between parents in high conflict.  The reason the parents are before the evaluator is because they have been unable to resolve their dispute between themselves and they are stuck with very different position for the ongoing care of their children.  Each parent is hoping that the Guardian Ad Litem strengthens their respective position and that the G.A.L. will make a recommendation in their favor.  Clearly this is a set-up for the distinct possibility that one parent may be very dissatisfied.  In some cases, even both parents may be dissatisfied.

Parents in this situation need to recognize that by going to court and motioning the court for an evaluation, they have forgone their right to determine the outcome of their dispute.  They can hope to influence it, but not determine it.  Determination is now in the hands of the court and will be greatly influenced by the recommendation of the evaluator.  Parents are well advised to reconsider looking at solutions for a settlement before going to court.  As soon as parents go to court, control is lost to the will of the judge and the influence of the Guardian Ad Litem.

Parents whose position or preferred outcome is not supported by the evaluator may cry foul by challenging the competency of the G.A.L. by alleging bias.  However, their objection to the recommendation does make it bad or wrong.  It may just signal their upset for not winning.

The role of the court evaluator is not to take either parent’s side, but to make recommendations with a view to the best interests of the child.  The G.A.L is by definition on the side of the child.  If by chance the opinion of the evaluator aligns with the position of a parent, this does not in and of itself indicate bias on the part of the evaluator.  Further, some parents may complain that the G.A.L. is opinionated.  Interestingly though, that is exactly their role.  They are to provide their opinion on the matter before them.  If the evaluator was not opinionated on the matter, then ironically there could truly be a problem with the report.

Regardless of a parent’s position or how intensely a parent may defend their position, the evaluator must look at the needs of the child now and for the future; the strengths and weaknesses of both parents; the conflict between them; their abilities to subordinate their needs to those of the child and then arrive at recommendations.  The G.A.L. should take a developmental view, one that regards the needs of the children now and as they grow and age.  The G.A.L. should provide discussion on parental deficiencies or behavior contributory to conflict or poor parenting and provide direction to address and improve those situations that may interfere with the child’s development and well-being.

In the heat of a custody or access battle, some parents have difficulty heeding the input and recommendations of the evaluator.  A parent may seek to continue their battle and may even draw the G.A.L. in as a target for the battle.  While perhaps in a limited number of cases this may be appropriate, parents are advised to consider the input of the evaluator carefully.  The G.A.L. is attempting to act only with the interest with the child.  Their input may be instructive even if in conflict with the parent’s position.  The final though to remember though is that the parent still has some measure of control up and until the time the judge brings down the gavel.

Consider using the time between receiving the report and the court date as an opportunity to negotiate a settlement.  An agreement will likely be on the basis of the G.A.L.’s recommendation but there would be the opportunity to negotiate some fine-tuning to the plan and retain some measure of control.  You may not like the outcome, but still try to work with the results before the judge brings down the gavel.

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Explaining Divorce to Children

If you were to ask your children whether they know someone whose parents are divorced – or if their own parents are divorced – chances are that they can answer yes to one – or even both – of those questions.

When answering the rough question, “What is divorce?” the easiest explanation, while it should be explained in an age-appropriate way, is some variation of the following:

“A divorce is when two people decide not to be married to each other anymore.  A divorce means that parents live in separate homes but that they spend time with and share responsibility for their children.  Even when a mom and dad get divorced, they will always be the parents of their children.  Parents may divorce each other, but they do not divorce their kids.  A divorce only ends a marriage; it does not end a family!”

Because of the affect it has on the whole family, the decision to divorce can be difficult for parents.  The Family Advocate suggests this can be best explained to children as follows:

“As your mom and dad, we tried hard to make things work before we decided to get divorced.  There are many reasons why we’ve made this decision, but it boils down to the fact that we just aren’t happy living together anymore.  No matter what, you need to know that none of this is your fault!”

Parents and children need time to get used to divorce.  The myriad of emotions – feeling sad, hurt, angry, worried, confused and afraid – is normal.  An important thing to emphasize for everybody is that it’s okay to talk about feelings with parents, relatives or other trusted adults or friends.

Attorney Lucas M. is a divorced father himself.  In leading a discussion with children new to the subject of divorcing parents, he emphasized:

“Now that your parents are getting a divorce, you probably have lots of questions about how your life will change.  The biggest one is always, “Where will I live?”  Your home is where you do a lot of important things.  It is a place where you have your own bed and room…keep your things…eat, talk, and play with your family.  At your home, you also have friends over, solve problems, do your homework and get help with everyday problems in your life. 

When one of your parents moves to a new home, it may take some time for you to feel comfortable there, but look at it this way – now you have two rooms!  Also, if you do your everyday things together – like playing games, doing homework and watching movies or television, you’ll soon get used to it. 

Some kids or young adults even say that once their parents get divorced it’s actually better because the two of them aren’t fighting anymore and each parent actually takes more time to be with their kids since they’re happier when the other parent isn’t around!”

For more ideas on how to explain divorce to children, go to our blog TheBestInterestoftheChild.com. 

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Helping Children Handle Divorce & School

The effects of divorce on behavior and school performance differ from child to child.  Some have a very hard time, fail academically, ignore teachers’ and counselors’ efforts to help, refuse to participate in anything not required, and lose friends because of belligerence or apathy.

Other children look upon school as a lifesaver.  They become immersed in studies, activities, and friendships as an escape.

It’s hard to say which way a child will respond to divorce, but once divorce is immanent, parents should notify their children’s guidance counselor, teacher or principal about what is going on at home.  Frequently, teachers detect something new through a child’s writing, drawings or play, but if parents notify the school, any drastic changes in work or behavior can be monitored.

Here’s what happens if parents don’t notify the school:   As children from divorced families tuck newsletters, school menus, graded assignments, report cards and notes about school information toward the bottom of their backpacks, educators are left in the dark.

Since many divorced parents assume the teachers are in charge, and must adapt for example by sending home duplicate report cards or calling each parent to discuss problems at school these assumptions only compound the problems.

It has been, and always will be, the parents’ responsibility to know what is going on with their child in school.  That means being the adult, a concept many parents have difficulty grasping through the raw feelings created by divorce. When moms and dads refuse to talk to one another, teachers find themselves in a no-man’s-land of shared-custody confusion, not quite sure from one day to the next who should be called if a homework assignment is missing or permission slip needs to be signed.

As a result, children can fall behind in their studies, and educators may bear the brunt of criticism for a situation out of their hands.

The lack of communication between home and school only gets worse in a child’s teen years. High school students, in particular, are more apt to keep to themselves by living in a self-imposed parent-free zone.

Some parents are sensitive about letting-out the new, possibly embarrassing or shameful, news of their divorce.  What most parents do not realize, however, is that confidentiality will usually be respected if the parent does not want the subject matter of divorce directly addressed with a child or with the teachers.
           
One thing to contemplate, however, is that it is most helpful for children to know that they are not alone, and that there are numerous families that have either gone through or are going through the same experience.

Most often, parents are worried about saying the right thing…using the right words, and having the perfect answer to whatever question about divorce might come their way.  In reality, there is no perfect answer, but many divorce parents search for help by reading books and watching movies about divorce.

When parents tell their children that husbands and wives may divorce, but mom and dad never go away.  Those words make sense, but many parents act contrary to this statement when they let their anger and frustration with each other effect their children’s school work.  Both parents must realize their commitment and dwarf the problems they are having with each other.  Simply stated, put your selfishness aside and focus on your child’s future.  Do more of what helps and less of what hurts.

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Dealing With an Angry Child

There is a lot of research on the effects divorce has on children.  At the forefront of this research is how emotional negativity, inconsistent structure between homes and the rejection and loss that often occur following divorce are toxic on children.  What follows most often are children who become anxious, clingy and angry.

It’s sometimes okay to be angry, but children need to understand that no matter how much change they might be going through, it is never okay to be mean.  Anger never exists on its own.  There is always a trigger, and in the case of divorce, it is likely behind the children’s negative feelings.

As a parent, the goal becomes channeling and directing the anger to constructive ends.  Here are some guidelines in dealing with an angry child:

1.  Help children to acknowledge their anger openly because hiding it comes out later in anxious and passive-aggressive ways.

2.  Distinguish between anger that is a temporary state and aggression that is more an attempt to hurt a person or destroy property.

3.  Teach children acceptable ways of coping with anger.  It is not enough to merely find outbursts unacceptable.  Model these by reining in your own anger, and talking it through calmly. 

4.  Don’t let the phrases “I want daddy” or “I want to live with my mom” get to you.  Children know what buttons to push when you, and they, are angry.  If you hear the words, ignore them.

5.  Catch your children doing something positive and tell them how proud you are of them.  When facing the loss of one parent in their everyday lives, children need to be reminded of what’s good in their lives.

6.  Provide opportunities for children to exercise.  Let them have an outlet.  If it is riding bikes, jump roping, walking or running or even hitting a punching bag…it gives them an outlet, and it’s healthy as well.

7.  Practice affection.  Not only do you need to make time for calm conversation, but the words “I love you” will likely reassure your children that you aren’t likely to leave them, too.

8.  Use humor to release tension.  A child who yells out might catch your eyes as you smile; this reminder might send the signal that the child is bordering the line of unacceptable.  If the child catches him or herself, the subtle smile will prevent things from going too far.

This topic is a favorite on our blog relating to children and divorce…go to TheBestInterestoftheChild.com.

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